Obstacles

It was unusually late last night on our three hour trip home from the beach—the sun was so perfectly warm, the breeze so perfectly light, we stayed on the beach, hesitant to return to the unpacking of beach bags, hanging of damp towels, and closing up of the summer house.

While driving west on I-64 in the left lane, a large truck blocked our vision. Hugh let out an exasperated sigh. We drove like that for several miles, each lost in our own thoughts, our minds migrating to the workweek ahead. Finally, Hugh broke the silence.

“The speed limit is 70,” he said. We were moving along at 50 or 55.

“We won’t get home till after ten.” I felt my shoulders tense.

Hugh found an opening, moved the car into the right lane, and passed the truck.

We both smiled. The road opened up before us, melting into a blue streaked night sky with a crescent moon. Hugh switched on the radio. We both relaxed.

I thought about that truck for a moment; how we let it dampen our mood, make us anxious. It kept us from seeing what lies ahead.

Sometimes we know the obstacles in our lives, and we can work at getting around them, but other times, there’s one big obstacle that we somehow don’t see, it just stands in our way; and until the day we name it, know it, and decided how to dismantle it, we will feel that edginess inside.

Channeling Gandhi

"You must be the change you want to see in the world," said Mahatma Gandhi. A brave man of peace, Gandhi lived his own words. Caregivers do the same. I see caregivers as those who choose not to turn away from the sick, those that stay when many others leave, who don't make excuses about the many "other" important things they have to do. Caregivers show up, and often times, that's all that's needed of a caregiver: to be present, to witness.
I am blown away by many of the caregivers I meet who spend year after year tending loved ones, and most of the time, caregivers will say they receive as much as they give. I know I felt that way. There's something about the giving of your time and attention that creates a universe worth belonging to.
To be the change you want to see in the world sounds like a lofty goal; and yet it really just means living each day fully at peace with the decisions and actions you make moment by moment, and knowing that you make life a little more comfortable and pleasant for others by being here on this earth.

Taking it on the Heart

When Hugh was initially hurt, and for many months after, the outpouring of help and compassion from our family and friends was heartwarming and much appreciated. As month after month passed by, we were still in need, and it became more difficult to accept help without feeling like we were pulling everybody around us down with our endless need for assistance. Feeling like the friend nobody wanted anymore, I pulled back and tried to go it alone, but there were times when I still had to call friends to vent or ask for advice or help, and then I felt like a burden, so I vowed to give back with all my might once things were on an even keel.

This was ten years ago, and I still find myself taking on other people's problems as if they were happening to me. It took two years for Hugh and I to feel like we were on the road to recovery, functioning like a normal couple with our family again, but many other people are not as fortunate as we are, and struggle for years on end. I sometimes find myself taking it on the heart--as if it's not enough to listen, or to help out in simple ways. I admit, I sometimes lie in bed at night thinking about other people's problems as if they are my own.

I wonder if other caregivers struggle with this after accepting help for so long. Life can be hard, and we all want to be good friends to those who need us, but how do you turn down the dial inside you that hurts for others? A dear friend of mine once told me I needed an "empathectomy" because it was unhealthy to be overly empathetic, to feel the pain of others acutely. I think she's right, and yet, I don't want a hardened heart either.

I'd love to hear how others feel about this, and how they help other people while remaining at peace, even joyful, for their own good fortune and health.