You Can Make a Difference!

There are many ways one can acquire a brain injury.  In 2011 we heard about Gabby Gifford’s traumatic brain injury from a gunshot wound to the head, numerous TBI’s acquired in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and brain injuries sustained as a result of domestic abuse, car accidents, bicycle accidents, falls, and in sports ranging from football to hockey--not to mention strokes.

A brain injury can happen to any one of us or those we love. We are all vulnerable.

The Virginia General Assembly is seeking a nearly $78,000 cut to brain injury services. These services are essential to families all over Virginia.

Here is a plea from the Brain Injury Association of Virginia. I hope you will be able to help in any way possible and pass this along.

“Regional budget hearings are scheduled for next week; please consider attending and providing a 3 minute plea for help. Speak about what services you are receiving and why they are important and why more are needed.   Speak about the services you are unable to receive because of wait lists or because there are no services where you live. Speak about how much this $600,000 is needed to fund supports and services for people with brain injury. If you plan to attend, you should arrive 1-2 hours early; you have to sign up to speak and there’s usually a line…and the earlier you get a chance to tell your story, the better.” The schedule for the meetings is: THURSDAY, JANUARY 5, 2012 (Hearing begins at 10:00 a.m.) - Big Stone Gap – Mountain Empire Community College, Philip Taylor Hall, Goodloe Center FRIDAY, JANUARY 6, 2012 (Hearing begins at 10:00 a.m.) - Fairfax County – George Mason University, Fairfax Campus, Johnson Center, Dewberry Hall FRIDAY, JANUARY 6, 2012 (Hearings begin at 12:00 noon) - Newport News – Christopher Newport University, Ferguson Center, Music and Theater Hall - Lexington – Virginia Military Institute, Marshall Center for Leadership and Ethics, Hall of Valor - Richmond – Virginia Commonwealth University, Medical College of Virginia, Larrick Student Center, 900 Turpin Street If you are unable to attend the budget hearings in person, write a letter and tell your Delegate and Senator how you feel.   You can find out who your legislators are by going to http://conview.state.va.us/whosmy.nsf/main?openform and entering your address. Send this email to your friends and family, and tell them to write to their Delegates and Senators and speak up too. Thank you, and Happy New Year! Visit the BIAV site to learn more

An Avalanche of Kindness

I’m asked all the time why I would publish, in such great detail, the emotional story of Learning by Accident, and I always go back to my original motivation—to thank the huge community of caregivers that kept my family going. These were caregivers in the form of doctors, and therapists, surely, but they were also neighbors who stopped by with a pan of baked ziti, or an eighth grade boy with chocolate chip cookies for the girls. They were sisters and brothers calling me to listen, friends offering rides, a dentist who mowed our lawn, and a minister who remarried us in our living room. They were our ever-present parents giving all they could to keep us afloat—everyday people doing extraordinary things to help each other.

On January 1, 2012, I’ll give thanks for the health of my family with a newfound fervor. I’ll also whisper thank-you to the good people in the world, who with small acts of kindness, help others, sometimes without ever knowing it, and without expecting anything in return. Albert Einstein asked: is the universe friendly or hostile? And he said the answer to that question would determine our destiny. I believe the universe is friendly.  Here’s to 2012, and making kindness our measure of success for the coming year.

Caregiving around the Holidays

Here are a few tips for making the season bright even when you are more than overwhelmed with life minus the bustle of the holidays season.

First, breathe, and remember the spiritual event that sparked the holiday you celebrate. This will ground you as you create a plan that works for everyone, including yourself!

Keep meals and gifts simple but festive. Focus on crafts, activities, holiday music, movies, and spending time together. You might try reading short holiday stories aloud to your loved one, or listening to a book on tape together for an hour a day.

Involve your loved one in decorating and remember past holidays together.

Carry on an old tradition or start a new one. Set a small formal table in the bedroom with an electric candle. Who says dinner has to be in a dining room.

Be flexible. The less you worry about superficial things like gifts, perfect dinners, or a spotless house, the more fun you will experience.

Focus on loving the person in your care. This is a special time of year, one of reflection, and sometimes of great pain or personal loss. But remember, it's true, that in giving, you receive. And we all have the capability of giving a kind word, a soft touch, and a heartfelt smile. So open your arms and let it all in--the great meaning of the season, and feel blessed, no matter what your circumstances.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving can be a challenging time for caregivers and families going through transitions.
When families are scattered and some members have special needs that limit travel, many families decide to spend the holiday apart. This Thanksgiving will be an especially quiet one at our house. Both Anna and Mary are far enough away and have work demands that make it difficult to come home, so we will have four adults around our table for the first time in 23 years. I'm brainstorming on how to make this day more festive. Maybe we'll set up the Christmas tree and trim it after our turkey dinner. That way we'll get our holiday decorating off to a good start and Grandma and Grandpa can help hang ornaments. I'm sure we'll hear a few stories about some of our passed down heirlooms. I'm thinking a mini tree-lighting ceremony may be just the thing to keep our spirits up; it will keep us looking ahead to the holiday when we'll have more of a full house.  In any event, we'll all give thanks for each other, for the love we share, for our good health, and for the family members who once shared our table, but are no longer with us. On this holiday of reflection and introspection, we wish all of our family and friends a fullness of heart equal to that of their bellies.

Living to the End

In Learning by Accident, I cover the period in my life from April 2002 – 2004 in great detail. What follows afterward in the book is the epilogue, where I simply show a day in the life as I experience it now, only the ordinary has become extraordinary, and any crisis-free day is a glorious gift to savor.

I’ve learned so much through caregiving. Before Hugh’s accident, I was  stuck in the doldrums. I held myself back for a variety of reasons, making excuses for why I couldn’t go back to school, grow my business, or take a new exciting job. After Hugh’s recovery, I felt energized to use my time wisely. And after the passing of both my mother and father, I learned even more about my own behavior, and why I sometimes didn’t make the most of each day.

 

Erich Lindemann writes:

“If you can begin to see death as an invisible, but friendly, companion on your life’s journey, gently reminding you not to wait till tomorrow to do what you mean to do—then you can learn to live your life rather than simply pass through it.”

My mother remained patient and engaged with people through every hour she spent in hospice until she died. She didn’t fear death; she used her acceptance of it to make sure her life was lived fully in the moment. And even though she could no longer do many things, she could still be a person that others wanted to be around, and she was. People flocked to her for the peace and great love she radiated. Live the life you are meant to live. Don’t wait till tomorrow to begin.

Slowing Down

How do you deal with life when you feel like the disconnected period below a huge question mark? You're apart, hovering in the unknown, about to fall but you don’t; you stay put—floating in the middle of nowhere, frantic, yet unable to get anything done.

An inevitable part of caregiving is feeling yourself tugged by an emotional rope all the time. “I should be doing this, but I’m here doing my job—I should spend time with her, but I feel so depleted right now.” First of all, it’s normal to feel this way. Second, you can’t be in two places at once. Third, make a promise to yourself: when you are with your loved one in your caregiving role, you will be there joyfully, and your loved one will feel it. Number 3 is the most important, and you cannot achieve that level of caregiving unless you are healthy and recharged yourself.

Through my heavy caregiving years, I kept a stack of books on a table with a candle. When I felt really stressed, I reached for one of those books. They included: The Power of Now, The Joy of Laziness, and several other books with soothing, yet powerful messages that kept me grounded and calm. The Joy of Laziness, by Peter Axt, and Michaela Axt-Gadermann, proclaims, “Life is better slower.” I found this to be so true when caregiving. On the days I rushed around frantically, everyone around me sensed my nervousness and anxiety. But when I calmed myself down, the whole tempo of the house slowed down as well. Everyone could breathe easier, and we all had a better day.

When I was simply too tired or nerve-jangled to read, I lit the candle and stared at the flame. Somehow, it hypnotized me. I didn’t have to meditate or chant, or think, just watch the flame. A few minutes of zoning out straightened me out. (Just remember to blow out the candle before you run back upstairs to help someone!) And keep the peace, baby!

Working Together

Who would have thought, nearly ten years ago, as Hugh slept comatose in the ICU, that  one day we would stand in front of a graduate class of 44 occupational therapy students talking about our experience with traumatic brain injury. This morning, at the request of an OT Professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, we found ourselves at the podium remembering, sharing stories, and even joking with a group of medical students ready to launch a career helping survivors of open and closed head brain injuries.

When Hugh completed his talk by saying,"...and now we'll take your questions. And I want you to understand, we will answer ANY question...no matter how down and dirty." The group broke out in laughter.

Question: "Hugh, did you ever feel upset at your wife because she could do things and you couldn't?" Pointing to me, he said, "Oh, you mean that control freak? Yes, of course!" I had to nod in agreement, while trying not to turn red in the face. I always was a control freak, a trait that swelled by the day after Hugh's injury. "That's natural," he added. "But Rosemary was good natured. She essentially brought up three adolescents after my injury"(more laughter).

As much as the writing of Learning by Accident was my therapy, the publishing of this book has bonded me with Hugh in a way that might never have happened, and provided us with meaningful work we can perform together. It's a testament to opening yourself up to the world, and being who you are. Ask yourself the down and dirty questions you really want to know--stop hiding and find your answers. They are there if you look hard enough.

Encouragement

When someone showers me with meaningful words, it is a gift beyond the greatest material gift in the world, because I can tuck these words in a pocket in my mind and pull them out anytime I need direction, reinforcement or strength. Sometimes they come in the form of a song lyric or poem, and sometimes they arrive as a single dynamic sentiment that will live inside me, and fortify me forever. It’s amazing—the difference a few words can make.

I’ll be forever grateful to Sally Reed who reached out to me when Hugh was nearing the end of his rope after many months of rehabilitation. Here’s an excerpt from Learning by Accident:

When I email the Lance Armstrong Foundation, an organization devoted to cancer victims and their families, I reach a woman named Sally, a cancer survivor herself. We never meet, and yet we email back and forth and she reaches out to me in a profound way. I ask her in desperation, “How can I help my husband? I feel so useless. What can I do to make a difference?”

She writes back: “Remind him that you love him. Remind him of his past. Remind him that you love him. Remind him of your history with each other. Remind him of his daughters’ birthdays, your birthday, anniversary, and remind him that you love him. Talk to him, talk to him, talk to him, and remind him.”

This is some of the simplest but most useful advice I have ever received. Thank you, Sally.

True Friendship is Timeless

I traveled 21 years back in time this past weekend to a place I lived before I lived in Richmond, to the Green Mountains of Vermont, and they are now just as pristine and as unchanged as they have been for hundreds of years. Vermont is vastly unique in its timelessness. While there are pockets of “civilization” (neighborhoods, small cities, and busy streets), you can still look into the distance from many vantage points—as far as the eye can see—and spy only a dot or two of some old farmhouse peeking out between the overgrowth of foliage everywhere. I stayed with my friend, Terry, at her new home in Georgia, Vermont. Old friends and coworkers showed up for a fun book party at her house on Saturday night. Everyone was excited and friendly; none of the usual chiding about not staying in touch enough. While staring into familiar faces from over twenty years ago, it almost felt as if no time had passed. Sincere friendship is timeless, like the rolling landscape of the mountains. Once securely settled in the heart, it is always there to sustain us.

Unexpected Gifts Bearing Secrets

While Hugh and I sat reading in our small condo in the outer banks one afternoon, we heard a knock at the door. Outside, stood an acquaintance we had met only weeks before, bearing a lovely gift and card. She asked to speak to me.

She told me she had heard about my book when I handed a few bookmarks out after Hurricane Irene and she bought my book immediately. "I read the entire book very quickly, from his perspective," she said, pointing to Hugh. "Thank-you for writing this book so others understand that people with brain injury may look perfectly fine but still be struggling with many issues." Her eyes filled up.

Shifting nervously from leg to leg, she poured out her own story, saying that Learning by Accident filled in all the blanks of her life for her. "Here, sit down," I said. The three of us talked for nearly two hours. This woman's brain injury occurred forty years ago. Back then, there was little done except to watch a person in a coma and send her home when she woke up. No rehab. No therapy. No grieving. Get on with life. She did just that, and has lived a very happy and fulfilling life, but no one told her about the blank period she suffered in between crashing and remembering, and for her, it was a very long blank period. "No one talked about such things back then," she said. "I cried in my pillow, and I moved on. Your book means everything to me."

After she left, Hugh and I looked at the gift she gave us, a lovely wreath for our condo. But the real gift she gave us was her story. The book unwrapped it, she presented it, and we received it, allowing her to come full circle.

Slippery Memories

At age 55, I'm starting to worry when I forget my keys, or when I forget why I came upstairs. But since I've learned that worrying doesn't solve anything, I've been investigating ways to strengthen my own neural connections and make my brain sharper. What I've discovered is this: that doing more of the things I love won't really help (in my case, reading and researching) because those neural connections are already strongly embedded in the pavement of my memory highway. I need to learn new material and reinforce it. I need Math. I need to learn a new language, or play Sudoko. The trouble is, I don't enjoy these activities at all. This left me with a dilemma, until I stumbled on the website, Lumosity.com.

Lumosity is a brain training system that measures your brain power, brain processing speed, and reaction time all while you play games on the computer. The more you play, the stronger your neural connections become, and you can see your own progress. It hooked me right away. Of course, after my free trial, I had to pay for this, but I feel the price is reasonable, and the benefit it provides is apparent in my daily life. This is not a commercial or endorsement, but a suggestion to anyone who feels their mental stamina slipping as they age: take action. The earlier the better. Work your brain in a way you have not worked it before, and add more mentally sharp years to your life.

Reflecting

Last night, while standing on the steps of the altar in the church that I've been a member of for the past twenty-one years, I looked out and saw the most beautiful faces radiating back at me as I spoke about the challenges and gifts in caregiving. Most of the people listening had, at some point, been caregivers, and many had been cared for. Mary, our minister, had just spent the day traveling between two very sick parishioners. She was exhausted, but there she sat, listening, smiling at me, and reassuring me with her eyes. Several women I have known for over a decade nodded their heads as I spoke. Paul, my fellow Sunday School teacher and dear friend, sat intently listening.

There's a feeling I tried to capture in my book, and it's nearly impossible to render in words, but I was graced with that feeling once again as I spoke last night. I wrote a passage once to express this particular feeling. Here is a small part of it:

The gift of the human spirit is its ability to connect to others--a desire to help, a prayer, a positive common energy that combines to form a physical thing--a force that becomes a pair of strong, invisible arms lifting you above the pain. Messages sent verbally, in writing, through acts of kindness, in thoughtful glances, and exchanged looks of fervent hope, create a clairvoyant healing energy. It is real, it is powerful, and it is beautiful.

Thank you, Church of the Epiphany, for sending me and my family your prayers over the years.
They have been received.

The Challenges & Gifts of Caregiving

 

I’ll be speaking at my church this Tuesday night on the Challenges and Gifts of Caregiving and focusing on many different issues. But the one that plagued me most as a caregiver was being too hard on myself with negative self-talk. My mind raced constantly and more often than necessary, it went to the what-ifs or the I can’ts.

Negative self-talk presents a huge problem to the caregiver and is detrimental to the person he or she cares for, because nothing positive comes out of self-doubt or self-loathing.  

The parallel gift to this challenge is the opportunity
to be more self-aware. Here's how, and it always works for me:

First notice that you are engaging in negative self-talk, and then redirect it. Imagine someone you know who loves you, and imagine what they would say to you if they heard your negative self-talk: Here’s an example of the voice I hear when I say to myself, “I cant’ do this.” In this scene in Learning by Accident, Hugh was still in the ICU.

Seeing my mother on the couch in her soft flowered robe, fingers wrapped around a mug of coffee in the morning, fills me with security. As a small child, I recited her full name with fascination: Julia Margaret Mary Flaherty Healey—the longest name in the world. Reflecting on her name I ask, “Didn’t Pop’s father used to call you, “My Jewel?”

“Yes,” she says smiling. “He was such a sentimental man.”

“Mom, I hope I can handle this,” I say to her. She covers my hand with her own. “I have no doubt you can handle it, Rosemary. You just have to go day by day. It’s not going to be easy, though. Dad and I are here if you need us.”

My parents are both gone now….Pop died in 2007 and my mother passed away just last year. She wanted desperately for me to publish my book and told me to self publish it if I had to. She believed in the story and she believed in me.

So when you find yourself questioning your own goodness, ability, or limits, reflect on those who love you and the way they see you, and listen to them in your heart, and believe them.

The Challenges & Gifts of Caregiving

A Free Event Open to the Public

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

7 pm - 9 pm

Church of the Epiphany

8000 Hermitage Road

Richmond, VA 23228

National Rehabilitation Awareness Week

Meet Rosemary Rawlins, author
Learning by Accident

Join us for a book reading/signing and reception to celebrate National Rehabilitation Awareness Week and the release of Rosemary’s inspirational memoir. 

This is the heading of the flyer HealthSouth is advertising for my first major public event with the book, and it's heady stuff for me. Hugh and his parents will attend the HealthSouth event with me this coming Wednesday as I give my first talk and read from my book for the first time to a public audience. The place and reason for this talk could not be more important to me. HealthSouth is the hospital I chose for Hugh 33 days after he was discharged from the hospital, having travelled through the ICU, the med/surge floor, and the acute brain injury ward within a month's time. He had progressed, but he was still seriously ill, extremely impaired and barely able to perform activities of daily living with prompting. 

Well planned, well-delivered, continuing rehabilitation is an absolute necessity after a brain injury. The doctor, nurses, therapists and social worker we met at HealthSouth contributed daily to Hugh's recovery, a recovery that not only helped him heal, but helped him reclaim his life.

So if you have ever visited a rehab center or hospital, take a moment this week to acknowledge and appreciate the life-changing therapist in your own story--the person or persons who, with compassion,  knowledge, and a bit of athletic grit, helped you dig deep into the well of your own strength so you could return to your life in better health.

Please join me this week, if you can, and don't forget to register by phone:

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

3:30pm-6pm
Formal presentation begins at 4:15pm

HealthSouth Rehabilitation Hospital of Virginia
5700 Fitzhugh Ave Richmond, VA 23226

Books will be available for purchase at the event
RSVP to Tonya Ferguson at 804-673-4503; tonya.ferguson@healthsouth.com

First book signing - Success!

I felt a shiver up my spine when I saw the store event sign for the first time with my name on it bearing a picture of my book cover that looked larger than life.

"Can I get you a drink from the cafe? Is there anything more you need?"a staff member
asked. I felt so significant, even a tiny bit important (certainly not a feeling I'm used to)-- different than myself, different than the "me" I feel like every other day--wonderfully different. Friends approached the table with huge smiles lighting their faces, prompting me to run around the table for a hug. So much excitement and so many good wishes. It's a foreign feeling, people treating me like I'm special, but a delicious one. It made me pause. I wanted to write a meaningful verse in each person's book, but my mind felt a bit fuzzy, unable to find that place where all the right words just flow. Maybe it was the rushing in and out of patrons, the background noise, or the pounding of my own heart, but many of

my signatures felt a bit generic to me. I hope each and every person that asked me to sign a book knows how very much I appreciate his or her willingness to enter my world for just a short while. Within the first hour, I sold every book Barnes and Noble had available to sell. (It wasn't that many) Luckily, I brought a few extras along, so we didn't run out. But I have to say, running out of the store's supply made my day! Thank you again, Barnes & Noble, and all you faithful readers out there!

My book in the bookstore, a beautiful sight!

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A Party in the Storm

After planning my book launch and rearranging my house for the event: wine bar in the kitchen, book signing nook by the big back window, my office cleared of all my own books, and every shelf lined with brand new "Learning by Accident" paperbacks artfully arranged with photos of family and friends, a hurricane hit--not the day before, and not the day after, those two days were picture perfect. Irene, as the hurricane was named, hit the exact day of my book launch with the peak of the storm scheduled to arrive at 8:00 p.m., the appointed hour of the toast. Hugh and I talked a long time about where to hold the event.  Our own home finally made the most sense. Our home is the setting for most of the story, and nearly every person invited to the party is a "character" in the book. We picked the date because it was the only one available after a few publishing snafus, and we didn't want to go past Labor Day. Both of our daughters, Anna and Mary, had travel arrangements set, and took time off from work to attend. Terry, from Vermont had a flight scheduled, as did my brother John, and his family from Atlanta. My sister, Mary (she's Kate in the book) and her daughter Meg were visiting from Albany, New York. So, when the storm took a turn for the worse, we really had no choice but to go ahead with the party, and we did. We served drinks and desserts: 250 mini cupcakes, lemon cookies, assorted cheeses, fruits and nuts, dessert wines, and beer. All day my phone buzzed with text messages saying, "Sorry, we won't be able to make it in the storm." Every time Hugh walked by me, he wrapped me in a consolation hug. But Anna, Mary, and their cousin, Meg, were stoked. Meg hoped out loud that the lights would go out and we'd have to party by candlelight. When I said I was disappointed, Mary said, "Mom it will be great!" and Anna said, "Didn't you learn anything from that book you wrote? You can't control the weather. Just have fun." And so it appears the universe is not done teaching me. I had my little meltdown, but the party turned out to be a success. Twenty-five brave souls turned out to celebrate with us. At eight o'clock, Hugh made his toast to me on our staircase, and our daughters followed up the toast with these words: While everyone has to end on page 304, we're lucky to have been able to see beyond the back cover and to watch you embrace this new strength and follow your dreams." Shortly after the toast, the lights went out, but the party went on, and everyone glowed in candlelight.Cheers!

Megan, Mary, Sherita, Anna

First Book Signing on the Calendar!

Here's a link to my first book signing event in early September. This will kick off a series
of exciting events I have planned in Virginia through September, and something tells me that sitting in a bookstore and signing my own book will be unlike any feeling I've ever had before.

I'd love to see you there! Consider yourself invited! Here's a link to the event:

http://store-locator.barnesandnoble.com/event/3108819

Learning by Accident is Officially Published!

Click Here to order:  www.outskirtspress.com/learningbyaccident

At long last, my book is on sale! What a feeling!
Learning by Accident is available for sale at barnesandnoble.com, Amazon, and in Kindle form.

I'm now busy working on announcements and booking signing events, as I hold my breath to see how the book will be received by the larger public. I often call myself a storyteller rather than a writer. I don't have an MFA, and I have not dedicated my whole life to writing, yet writing is a part of my daily joy. Any writing: a poem, essay, email, greeting card, Facebook post or note to a friend--each one is equally as gratifying and meaningful to me.

And I believe that if I demonstrate any talent at all as a writer, it is because I have read so many wonderful books by incredible authors. There is an abundance of jaw-dropping talent in the form of the written word. I'm just so happy to be a small drop in the ocean of the writing world. Here I go...

Paying it Forward

In recognition of my loving family and wonderful friends who helped me when I was in need, I am donating 5% of the first year’s profits of Learning by Accident to my neighbor and friend, Dan Duggins. Dan suffered a severe stroke that left him locked in, unable to move or speak, but alert and vibrant inside with no way out. For over a year now, Dan has only been able to communicate with his eyes. His parents have selflessly tended to his every need. Before his stroke, Dan was the drummer for three bands: Hot Rod Circuit, Queen Killing Kings, and Zigmat. He is a handsome and talented rock star who is fighting to regain his active life in music.

It is my sincere hope that this donation will provide the means for Dan to continue his rehabilitation since he had no insurance when he was struck by this devastating brain injury. You can learn more about how to help Dan at the Dan Duggins Trust on Facebook. If you do not have the means to donate financially, your positive thoughts and prayers are equally as meaningful and much appreciated.

Newsflash!

The cover of Learning by Accident is done!

Many thanks to Nancy Tomlinson for taking the picture of me and Hugh at S-Turns in the Outer Banks, and many thanks for the hours of work my sister, Pat, dedicated to create a print-ready cover. This has truly been a homegrown project and I couldn't be more delighted.

The book will move into the production phase now, so in four to six weeks it should be available for purchase from me, in stores, or online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.com. Learning by Accident will also be available in ebook and Kindle forms.

Stay tuned! We'll be planning a book launch soon, and thank you for hanging in there for the long wait!

--

What does Caring and Giving Mean?

To me, the words "caring and giving" are not only the building blocks of the word and act of caregiving, but they represent the meaning of our lives.

We spend our highest and lowest moments with those we care most deeply about, and when we give back to them, we grow. In its simplest form, caring is transformational. A reassuring smile from a loved one when you're afraid, or a hand squeeze when you feel pain, can make you feel like you can endure anything.

Caring and giving equal kindness.  And in the slideshow we review again and again in our minds, all throughout our lives, it is kindness that reassures and calms us, because it represents the very core of our best selves.

Questions We Ask Ourselves

Often, we look at things only one way. I’m guilty of this. 

When a caregiving situation becomes a challenge, I might ask myself, "Why can't things ever go right for a change?" When I fall into this self-pity pit, I shift my thinking; there are other questions I ask myself to ease my frustration.

If you are stuck in sadness or bitterness, try asking yourself these questions:

"How else could I respond to this experience? What small action can I take right now to make things a little bit better?  How have others handled my problem? What can I learn from them? What would I say to someone in my situation if I wanted to help him or her?"

The answer to this last question sometimes solves the dilemma all by itself.

Making negative sweeping statements to ourselves is damaging on so many levels. Statements like: "I'll never be able to do this," or "This will never end," entrench us in a mucky pond of misery. Once we accept that we are being swiftly carried in the current of a dynamic life, we know we'll glide over the jagged rocks and once again bask in a pool of calm, silvery water, so we'll hang in there for the ride, no matter how unsettling the journey, because the good times make the bad times worth it.

Learning by Accident

The book is coming along nicely, but more slowly than I anticipated. While I turn my own work around quickly, I have no control over the production team, and I want a nearly perfect product, so I need to be patient.

Patience is a virtue I lack; and it's the single virtue my own life seems to be trying to teach me all the time. I've become an expert at counting to ten, breathing deeply, and telling myself, "Hey, it's just a book. It's just a book about your own life's work. It's just a book containing a story I've been bursting to tell for nearly ten years. That's all. It's just a book."

I promise you, it's coming. Nothing is written in stone, but THERE WILL BE A BOOK.  I will let you know as soon as I have a date.

Thank you for your patience!

Thoughts on Caregiving Inspired by the Beach

The one time in life that it’s good to let go is when you're dealing with a long-term medical crisis. Yes, let go. Stop hanging on to your routine; stop wishing you could go back to normal. Remember that you’re caught in a riptide, being carried out to sea, to a place you’ve never been before. Relax, or fight the current at your peril. For the current is unrelenting. Let it take you where it will—through shock, denial, and despair—because swimming against the current will exhaust you till you drown.

Instead, swim parallel to the shore, breathe deeply, and remain calm. Gaze into the blue sky, marvel at the churning of the water. Watch the memory of yourself on the distant shore—the self you used to be, before you knew how erratically and unpredictably your world could flip—and know that when you eventually step back on that shore, you will be changed, and that change won’t necessarily be all bad. You will have gained a new respect for the fleeting human life span. You will yearn to seek out meaning, and may even finally learn to love yourself and others without holding back.   

Moving along

Just to keep you in the loop, I finished the interior edits to the book today! Bring on the aching neck cream!

Now the publisher has to work them into the book and get it back to me for final approval. After that, we tackle the cover design, which is already 90% done thanks to my sister, Pat.

Once approved, it takes four weeks to have the book up on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.com,  as well as Kindle, and in my hands, so I can begin running around to reading groups, stores, and libraries to sell it. There's also some exciting news coming in the next few weeks, so stay tuned! This has been an amazing process. Thanks to everyone for signing on! I'll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, I'm off to the Outer Banks for a week of rest before things really heat up. Enjoy the sunshine, all! 

If it's to be...

Make no mistake. We all write our own life story. No one does it for us—no one else controls the narrative. Whether we write it with a pen, or with our choices, our story is told by our actions. All of us leave an impression on others and the world we eventually leave behind.

Some write their stories with focused intention. They organize and follow a plan. Others experiment. They try, fail, succeed, and try something new. Still others stumble along, changing only when circumstances demand they must, struggling to find a foothold. All of us learn from others. We learn in school, from our teachers, parents, and mentors. We especially learn from and try to emulate those we admire. But often, the most important lessons are learned by accident. By this I mean, our most important lessons are inside the experience, they are behind the obvious, buried in our subconscious, but when they appear, they burst before us like magicians, miraculously clear—and these lessons change our lives forever.

Once Hugh made up his mind to heal as fully as humanly possible, he often repeated a phrase that became an integral part of how he lives his life every day. He said,
“If it’s to be, it’s up to me.” This one sentence soon defined him. He’s who he is today because he accepted what he could not change and made the very best of everything he had going for him. He’s a walking miracle, in part because he took control of his own life story—and what a life story it’s turning out to be.

Book Buzz

It's getting near the time when I will realize a lifelong dream. I will have written and published a book. I will hold it in my hands. I will see others reading my story.

This is satisfying, exhilarating and frightening beyond belief. Every word of this book is my version of the truth. I have exposed my thought process, my fears, and my neurosis. I've placed my family on a glass slide for everyone to examine. They have cheerfully allowed me to do this, trusting all will go well.

Why would I do this? I've asked myself this many times. So here are the reasons I have for publishing a memoir about the most difficult experience of my life:

1. From the day of the accident until years later, I was so overcome with things that needed doing while at the same time overcome with emotion, that I could not organize my thoughts enough to make sense of them. Writing was my way of telling the story without holding someone hostage while I talked for weeks on end.

2. From the day of the accident until about two years out, I lost myself. I was not the same woman. I could not find myself in the mirror, in my heart, or in my mind. I was full of self-talk that alternated between panic and words meant to calm myself down: Oh My God, he can't focus his eyes. He can't talk to me! Calm down, Rosemary, he'll get better. Smile at the girls, don't let them see you freaking out!

3. "We're fine," became my two word response to the world when asked how things were going. How else could I answer? It soon became clear that no one knew anything about brain injury and what was going on in my house. If it happened in my house, it must be happening in most houses where brain injury occurs. So the book is that glimpse behind the front door, into the living room that has become a quiet room, into the bedroom that has become a hospital room, into the home that has become another place entirely.

4. I wrote this book as a tribute to those with brain injury, who struggle daily to find themselves, to wake up from an exhaustion so bone deep they want to sleep forever, who wonder who they used to be, and who simply want to get back to life. I wrote it as a tribute to caregivers who rearrange their lives for their loved ones, hoping beyond hope that their life will someday resemble normal again, hoping they can calm the trembling of their own heart so they can endure the marathon caregiving required of brain injury.

The interior book design is complete. I'm in the process of proofreading before we begin work on the beautiful cover design. The cover picture was taken by my friend Nancy Tomlinson at the beach and the cover is being designed by my sister, Pat Waters. This is a totally homegrown project. I can hardly wait to launch! I'll keep you posted.