Marriage after TBI

Several people have asked me how Hugh and I stayed together in a loving relationship after TBI, so I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. First, I think it’s our history. We had been married 24 years at the time of Hugh’s accident, and his accident only deepened my commitment to him. I wanted him back, and I wanted him to recover to his full potential. That was my number one goal.

Second, although we experienced financial strain (Hugh lost his job), we continued to have a steady income after his accident, (social security and disability income). Many fights in marriages are caused by money problems, but Hugh and I had always lived within our means, and we continued to live within our means during his rehabilitation, so we did not fight about money. I did, however, stress about our future, and how we would pay for it all down the road, and that was hard enough, so I can’t imagine being flat broke and in debt throughout this ordeal.

Third, we had great doctors and therapists. Dr. G. at HealthSouth gave us advice on Hugh’s first day in rehab: be kind to each other. This advice, while it sounds simple, is extremely important. Whenever one of us snapped at the other, we’d remind each other, “This is hard on me too, so please don’t be cruel.” Kindness leads to so many other good feelings: gratitude, endearment, and love. Making a commitment to be kind to each other, and actually living it, can make a big difference in a relationship.

Fourth, we had strong ties to family and friends. We had confidants. We could vent to others in a safe way and feel supported. We had people in our corner, and we will never forget those that stuck by us throughout.

Fifth, we had counseling. I talked to the LCSW at HealthSouth, another social worker outside of HealthSouth, and Dr. Kreutzer, neuropsychologist, along with some of his fellows. Hugh met with the LCSW at HealthSouth and a support group there, as well as Dr. Kreutzer. These sessions provided us with the information, tools, and coping mechanisms we needed to move forward.

Along the continuum, there were times when things felt hopeless, days when we'd rather not get along, and long, lonely hours spent wondering how we'd ever get through this, but Hugh and I knew one thing: we wanted to stay married, and if we were going to stay married, we wanted it to be as good as it was. As it turns out, it’s better. We are more tuned in to each other than ever before. I realize that we are particularly fortunate because Hugh made such a strong recovery, and he never had a negative, angry or abusive personality change. We both feel fortunate every single day for that, and we both want to make the most of these midlife years together, because every healthy day we live feels like a gift we’re unwrapping together.