The Psychological Crib

Yesterday, a side to our story was told in an article in the New York Times, that is expressed in my book, but in a different way. (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/10/health/when-injuries-to-the-brain-tear-at-hearts.html).

With a scientific slant, the article exposed the challenges psychologists face when counseling couples with marriage problems after one person has changed drastically following a devastating injury. 

After a brain injury, roles flip. The caregiver usually becomes a “guardian” rather than a partner, at least for some period of time after the injury. The injured person is suddenly thrust into a world where he (or she) is not only physically limited, but placed in a psychological crib, and constantly reminded that he can no longer do the things he once did with ease—eat, walk, drive a car or climb stairs alone. And then he's told he no longer makes sense, he doesn't remember, and he's confabulating (creating false memories). It’s easy for couples to become locked in disagreements or to feel resentful of each other. It’s suddenly hard work to get along—hard not to miss the easy relationship that once felt so comfortable. As the injured person heals, the caregiver must pull back, stop hovering, and allow the injured person to take chances in a world that suddenly feels like a dangerous place.

It’s not only the injured person that changes in an accident—quite often, the caregiver changes. Sleeplessness, anxiety, frustration, and fear can alter a personality and strain relationships in the process.

All of this was conveyed in the Times article. Counseling is helpful, but what tools can counselors use to help couples going though this? For us, communication was important. Constantly putting ourselves in each other’s shoes helped. We had to remind each other that we were in this together, we both wanted to stay married, we both wanted to reach a connecting point, a place of mutual respect, understanding, and love. I’m so glad we did.

Hugh and I are more tightly bound now than ever before, and even though letting down the guardrail of the psychological crib (or as my husband would call it: stopping the nagging) caused a good deal of anxiety as I watched him conquer feat after feat, anxiety can be overcome, but the loss of a soul mate, never.